TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're speaking Damascus, the city historically noted for ancient tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and fully outside of spot. Built by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until the drone flies")




  • And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Certainly, absolutely sure, let's have One more position where American Adult males can use robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though previous negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: supply All people a set within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the Trump Tower Damascus alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination pointed out, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It truly is that he ought to cease utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the job, replied, "You realize, person, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent folks. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping types an enormous Trump head noticeable from Room, a aspect becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and also the chin is… very well, categorised.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after finding the building's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It's not simply unsightly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Features


Perhaps the strangest element of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors might contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with climate Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Technique: "For those who Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is For good."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "where's the nearest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is currently attracting interest from international traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will likely contain:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to determine a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a lodge where by my PTSD may have turn-down company."


One more article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Studies propose:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to construct a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Ideas within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You might be welcome."

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